After all, Elenin is not really a comet. It is the brown dwarf Nibiru, a.k.a. Planet X, and its arrival has been long foreseen by our forebears, right from the furthest passages of history. As Barney Stinson would say, true story. A cursory glance at the Hopi’s prophesies, the Book of Revelation and Chicken Little confirms this dreadful fact.

The Hopi’s Prophesy

"And this is the Ninth and Last Sign: You will hear of a dwelling-place in the heavens, above the earth, that shall fall with a great crash. It will appear as a blue star. Very soon after this, the ceremonies of my people will cease.”

Revelation 6:12-13

“And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.”

Foxy Loxy, in the 1943 movie, Chicken Little

“This is the Voice of Doom speaking! Special bulletin! Flash! The sky is falling! A piece of it just hit you on the head! Now be calm. Don't get panicky. Run for your life!”

Of course, the fact that Leonid Elenin, the supposed discoverer of the comet sharing his surname, is not a real person, and merely another piece of the masterfully crafted lie by the powers that be to hide the truth of the horrific catastrophe which is about to confront us - a catastrophe so monumental, it will make the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago pale in comparison - should completely erase any lingering doubts one may still have in the back of one’s mind.

So, let us consider this matter as closed and start to focus our attention in acquiring as many tin foils as we can to serve as a deflector in the impending Armageddon. Let us hold hands, form a circle, and smile wistfully at each other as we sing Kumbaya.

Except for one thing; actually, except for many things. You see, the Elenin doomsday scenario is nothing more than the product of some very disturbed and overly creative mind.

Gasp! Shock! Horror!

Take that back!, so screameth the tinfoil hat wearing fatty in front of the keyboard, as crumbly bits of Cheetos flies out of his foaming mouth.

Sorry, but no can do compadre. The truth hurts, especially for a three hundred pound virgin.

Let’s start from the beginning

Is Leonid Elenin A Real Person?

He is. Leonid Elenin (Леонид Еленин) was born, grew up, studied and lives in motherland Russia. He works at the Russian Academy of Sciences (Keldysh Institute of Applied Mathematics) in technical support. Leonid, who is an amateur astronomer, has so far been credited with the discovery of ten objects in our star map. He writes regularly in his blog, http://spaceobs.org/en, and, get ready for this: he is in the video below – in person and with no added CGI. I swear ma!

In the video, Leonid Elenin and his fellow amateur astronomer friend, Igor Molotov, who incidentally works with Leonid at the Russian Academy of Sciences as a Project Coordinator, were interviewed by a Russian news station, 1TV Channel, after their discovery of yet another periodic comet, the P/2011 NO1, on July 29th, 2011.

Leonid Elenin, in the flesh, beginning from 0:26

Now that we’ve established Leonid Elenin is indeed a real living and breathing son of Rodina-mat, and not just part of some perverse sexual fantasy of a 300-pound Cheetos gorging, momma’s boy, let’s move on (we’re talking about you, fatty).

The Media, NASA, Roscosmos and ESA Blackout

What are they hiding? Why won’t anyone talk about Elenin? Why are the media keeping silent over this horrendous cover up? What dastardly machinations are taking place behind the scene? Where is McGyver?

So many questions, and fatty is almost out of breath. But let’s get one thing straight first. There is NO cover up. Elenin, quite frankly, is just not that interesting. It is an unremarkable shapeless blob that at best is 3.5km in diameter and in all likelihoods, consists entirely of space dust and water, with a sprinkling of metal and minerals. It swings on a 10,000 year elliptical orbit, and by the time it makes another trip down to our solar system, humanity has either become extinct, or we have gone on to settle ourselves in distant star systems. Furthermore, Elenin is one of the 16 comets discovered in 2010. You don’t hear anyone crying over the other 15 comets now, do you?

NASA could not possibly keep track of every single sighting and discoveries made from the thousands of official and amateur astronomers worldwide, every day, year after year. So, it is not entirely uncommon for NASA to remain silent on the discovery of yet another insipid, barely visible comet. In addition, talking about it is akin to pouring gas on fire; it will merely inflame the conspiracy theorist. However, if it makes momma’s boy feel any better, David Morrison, a scientist at NASA’s Astrobiology Institute and an astronomer at its Ames Research Center, did release an unofficial response to the Elenin malarkey.

“I have been receiving many questions about Comet Elenin. Many of them refer to the outrageous lies on some conspiracy theory websites, which are amplified by people who seem to think this comet is highly unusual. It is not unusual, and it is not a threat to Earth….

…It will be closest to Earth on about 16 October, at a distance of about 21 million miles, which is nearly a hundred times farther than the Moon. The comet never comes close to the Earth, but it is expected to be visible in binoculars during August and October…

…There is no reason to think Elenin is any different. This means its mass is less than one billionth the mass of the Earth. Needless to say, we will not be aware of the tiny gravitational pull from Elenin. In spite of these simple facts, some websites are making wild claims that Elenin will hit the Earth, or disturb our orbit, or cause tides, or interact with our magnetic field. Such claims are pure fiction….”

"ELENIN WILL FLY SO CLOSE, YOU CAN TOUCH IT FROM THE TOP OF MT EVEREST"

Okay, that was an exaggeration. No one really said that.

What they did say was, Elenin might be deflected from its orbital trajectory by a collision during its lonely journey through the Oort Cloud or through the rings of Jupiter, and as a result, its orbit is sufficiently altered to one that will be hazardous to us.

Some have also conjectured that its orbital flyby, variously cited to be between 0.15-0.23AU, will be sufficiently close to be deadly for Earthlings, triggering unimaginable electromagnetic and/or gravitational effects that will precipitate earthquakes, tidal abnormalities and/or pole shifts.

Others, meanwhile, opines that its coma, which could potentially be over 200,000km long, will bring about atmospheric disturbances.

Fairy tales, once again. Elenin is almost certainly made of space dusts and frozen water. It will disintegrate even at the slightest nudge from another object in deep space. The debris, if it does indeed head for Earth, will be burnt to dust and vapor if it finds its way into our atmosphere in such crumbly fashion.

Perigee-wise, it is a non-event. There have been many, many instances of Near Earth Objects (NEOs) orbiting closer to Earth. In fact, there have been seven instances in the last century where NEOs flybys were nearer than the estimated perigee of Elenin.

Distance (AU) Year Catalogued As

0.0394 1927 7P Pons-Winnecke
0.0617 1930 73P Schwassmann-Wachmann
0.1019 1961 C/1961 T1 Seki
0.0628 1983 C/1983 J1 Sugano-Saigusa-Fujikawa
0.0312 1983 C/1983 H1 IRAS-Araki-Alcock
0.1018 1996 C/1996 B2 Hyakutake
0.0787 2006 73P Schwassmann-Wachmann

Even in the off-chance that the best mathematical and astrophysical minds of the human race suffered a collective moment of idiocy, and Elenin’s perigee does in fact matches that of the moon, which is something no NEOs have ever been observed to achieve before, it simply does not possess the mass needed to be able to influence anything of note. Even assuming that its shares the same denser mass of the moon, it is barely a thousandth of its size, and at a distance of 384,400 km, its impact to earth is not even worth considering! It’ll be lucky to even affect a single molecule of CO2 from our mesosphere, never mind actually causing earthquakes and tidal waves.

What about its coma then? 200,000km is by no means insignificant. Very true. But it works against it for precisely the same reason. A coma that long, from an object as tiny as Elenin, well, it’s just too embarrassing really. Its density would render it practically harmless, and beyond potentially disrupting satellite-based communications for several hours, and truth be told, it won’t be much to look at either.

In conclusion, give it up, fatty. Enough of your nonsense, and please cease with these attention- seeking attempts at fear mongering. Remember your priorities; you are still a virgin. Leonid Elenin exists, the comet Elenin is just a comet, and it will come and leave us without much ado, exactly like what thousands of other comets have done over the years.